I get drunk and sentimental

Stolen from Happy

48 Hours Ago: Laid in bed swearing about students
36 Hours Ago: At work. Probably doing very little, or explaining the fish tank disaster.
24 Hours Ago: Sorting final arrangements for a fire drill.
18 Hours Ago: Waking and checking the time cos I was convinced I had overslept.
12 Hours Ago: Wishing I was in bed and not at work.
6 Hours Ago: Realising I has actually done no work today and eaten too many biscuits
3 Hours Ago: At dinner, not eating
2 Hours Ago: Eating shepards pie and watching ER
1 Hour Ago: Wondering if it was too early to go to bed
Now: Watching VH1 Classic, and about to go to bed
1 Hour from now: In bed, probably being woken up by T coming in from football
2 Hours from now: Hopefully sleeping
3 Hours from now: Still sleeping
6 Hours from now: Being woken up by students coming home.
12 Hours from now: Explaining to my boss that people don't work without being paid, that's why there are no leafleters.
18 Hours from now: Thinking about doing some work, but checking facebook instead.
24 Hours from now: Entertaining the police
36 Hours from now: Actually doing the work I've needed to do all week
48 Hours from now: Enjoying the last night of freedom before a duty weekend

I'm off to bed in a minute as I'm exhausted... getting up at 6.30am to set off fire alarms and watch students stumble out of bed is definately one of the least fun aspects of this job although in a really mean way, quite fun as well

It's been an eventful weekend. 180 litres of water over our front room at 3.30am on Friday/Saturday. We will now not be having fish. I am sad about this, although slightly relieved, as they seemed to be a lot of hard work, and we hadn't even got round to getting the fish yet. Maybe I'll just try again with persuading T to get cats...

Work has got no better. In fact, I think it's got worse. I have an appraisal on Thursday. I AM going to tell my boss what I think... I'm kind of the opinion I have nothing left to loose now. Both my jobs have been advertised this week. Much as I don't want them anymore, I don't like it.

I stopped crying. Finally. It's now been a whole 24 hours since I cried last (I didn't cry continually for all that time, but it was a pretty bad time).

Something clicked as I sat at home yesterday, just wanting a whole new start and a new life. So, I am taking some time, and re-evaluating, and just thinking, but in a different way before. Not thinking in the way that makes me sob, but in a (hopefully) more positive way.

I know a lot of it has to do with me being pregnant, but a lot of it doesn't as well. I feel so alone, and like I have nothing, far too often than is good for someone.

But I will get through this. I have reasons to be happy, I just need to concentrate on them.

And just something that has nothing to do with anything - I've just let a student back into their room and the whole corridor smelt of popcorn. Now I really want popcorn. So that's what I'm going to do.

This is not good.

I've pretty much been crying since I posted last night. I went to bed and just led there, and the tears just wouldn't stop. Everything has just got on top of me. This morning I woke up, and they started again, and then T pretty much told me I was an inconvenience to him, which means I have spent the last 2 hours in my office, crying more. Fat, hot, ugly tears. Thank god the person I share with isn't in today, I do not look good.

I led there last night, trying to decide what to do. But the problem is I don't know. Do I just up and leave everything? That's how I feel at the moment, that if I just left, it would solve a lot of problems.

I have done the forms for a replacement for my Warden job, that was at least one decision I made as I stared into space last night. I am not staying somewhere where another person can make me so unhappy. So then there is just my main job. I'm scared I'm going to loose it, so why don't I just leave and make the decision for them? Because I am having a baby in 2 and a half months, and I have no idea now how I am going to look after her. Giving up wardening means returning to the real world and paying rent and bills. Leaving job means no money to pay rent and bills. And no one will employ me, because I am having a baby, so no money. Not a good situation.

That said, other people must manage it. T could live the life he deserves, and not be burdened with me. I could just start somewhere else, somewhere new.

I haven't eaten since yesterday lunch time, I just can't bring myself too.

I just don't know what to do, I am a mess.

Gah, I knew this positive thinking wouldn't last long. I am well and truely fed up. I am achey, and I am tired, and I am super super pissed off.

I love wardening. And I don't think I'm half bad at it. But when someone else does no work, and then takes credit for the work I've done, it just takes the piss.

I don't want to start getting into massive detail, as I am probably just over reacting, but it's another reason I feel I need to leave here. And it makes me cross I feel I have to leave because of her. I just don't think it's fair. In the slightest. I'm so pissed off I am sat here in tears, and that's just stupid, which is making me cry even more.

I am scared to go on maternity leave, because she actually doesn't know what she is doing. I do everything. Because otherwise it doesn't get done. And she just rolls up and takes the credit. It's happened once to often now, and this time has really pushed me over the edge. I just don't want to be here anymore.

I am going to combine my worry about my job, and my resolution to be more vocal, and actually try and ask what is going on and whether I will have a job to come back to.

But I am also going to start looking for new jobs today.

Well, it's just been one of those days. Actually, since 6pm, it's got a lot better, but the general stuff preceeding that left a lot to be desired.

I am going on maternity leave in March, and returning in January. During this time, at work, we'll be moving offices again, in with another service, who are part of our larger general service (sorry for vagueness). We are being forced to have these "planning sessions", where my boss, and someone who is not my boss but acts like they are, try and convince us of the joy that this will bring. It will not.

When talking about it today, my boss said the phrase to me "but your job will have changed beyond all recognition by the time you come back". Erm, hello, I don't want to do another job, I want to do my job, and because I am having a baby, and having the time off I am legally entitled too, you shouldn't just change my job.

The more and more I think about it, the crosser I get. They are trying to distinguish what everyone in the office does between 'admin' and 'adviser'. I seem, and I know, that I fit some where in the middle, however, I am the only person of 20 who has been classed as both. I have been trying massively to develop my job away from the admin, but just seem to be going backwards. I don't want to be a glorified secretary, I have 2 degrees!

I don't know what to do. I want a job that challenges me. Being a receptionist does not. I am just truely at a loss with this.

I resolved a couple of years ago not to make resolutions, and that has worked for me for the time being. However, on my way back from the states, I read in a magazine, a resolution that I liked, so decided I would make a few. That became number 1; and so here is my list for this year. Don't know whether I'll keep them, but it's been quite entertaining to me to think about them.

1. Use my wedding perfume, and not just keep it in a cupboard. I love it and bought it for a reason, so am going to wear it.
2. Try and be a bit more positive. Not a lot, just a bit.
3. Not spend entire days at work on facebook. It does not help with productivity in the slightest.
4. Be nicer to T, and help out round the house a bit more. I am a cow, and he puts up with way too much.
5. Actually achieve stuff. A bit vague, yes. But like, getting a pay rise, and getting better work to do. I always say I want it, but am never vocal about it. So maybe thats it instead, being more vocal.

And that's it. 2008, it's going to be an interesting year.

I have survived my first day back at work. I was out of my pyjamas by 7.30am, a record I like to think. Although my clothes are definately not as comfortable. And my desk chair is no comparison to my bed/sofa.

I did spend most of the day thinking, this time next year, it will be my first day back at work for 9 months. That's going to make it 100 times worse.

But still, arriving in at 8am to find the boss wasn't coming in, set things up for an ok day. Only slightly ruined this afternoon by plans for what happens when we move offices in September. Basically, I think my job is going to become a receptionist, and this worries me, especially as I will be on maternity leave when it happens. I know that it's against the law and stuff for them to actually change it like that, but I don't think I'll be coming back to the same job I'm leaving, and that makes me kind of sad.

However, I'm trying not to get down (it's a resolution that I haven't made... more on that in another post later tonight), so focussing on good things, today also brought the discovery it's only 8 weeks until the University Easter holidays. This means only 4 weeks on duty, which is very exciting, as after that, I'll be free until September! Hurrah!

Aside from that, there's not a fat lot to report. But I survived, which I guess is the main thing. I'm hopeful to even manage to work a whole 5 days this week. 1 down: 4 to go.