I get drunk and sentimental

I have done nothing at work today. I am on duty tonight and tomorrow and at a family-in-law do on Sunday. Then I have to come to work again on Monday.

I am knackered. The positivity is running down the street real fast, and shows no signs of coming back.

and still feeling positive.

Yes, the office phone rang all day, and I was screaming at it, but again, I enjoyed being busy, even if I didn't enjoy the content of the busy-ness.

Yes, I think one of the Assistants at the Hall is a little unstable, and actually now making up stories to be able to stay on next year, but other people agree with me, so I don't feel to bad for thinking it.

Yes, a student has just rang my doorbell and then shouted at me because I couldn't fix the washing machine that ate her £1.50, but well, she'll get over it, and I am not employed to be, nor have I ever given the suggestion, that I am a washing machine repairer.

Lets see what tomorrow brings!

It's amazing what a couple of days off work will do for you. I went back today with actual energy and willingness to do my job. I walked into craziness, but I buzzed from it, from having stuff to do and actually being able to do it.

I've come back to the hall tonight and laughed, and am now contemplating my choices for dinner, as again, I have made a positive decision I will no longer eat the nasty hall food, instead I will make myself nice things. So, its the choice of either shepherds pie or butternut squash soup for my tea.

I am going to try harder to think happy. It's been a much better day for actually doing something, and the good old bitch we had in the office this afternoon. Positivity, it's the start of something new. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I've had the last 2 days off work. It's been nice. I actually for once feel rested, even though we've had people to stay and I've not really had anymore rest than normal. I only gave in and looked at my work email tonight. I've not done one warden related thing.

All this has helped me realise, that although, yes, sometimes I do like my job, when stupid students are not making me cry, I take on far too much, even though I have nothing really to do. I am not willing to take enough me time. I was contemplating working during my maternity leave for heavens sake, I think I am crazy. Why would anyone willingly choose to do that?

I do like being a warden, but my priorities are changing. Kids that don't want to keep their rooms clean and want to come home drunk and shouting at 3am, it's taking my all my effort to remain interested. It might just be because we're coming up to the end of the semester, but I now so badly want to buy myself a house and for it to be the 3 of us; me, T and bump. Because the thought of that just makes me smie, and I really haven't been doing enough of that lately.

A man came in to the office this morning (I realise now how this sounds like the beginning of a joke, it isn't), and proceeded to be a prime nobber. Accusing me of not supporting students because I couldn't give him money to pay his bank charges. I asked him to leave the office as he was being so rude. He said he didn't think he was being rude and took my name. The minute he left, I burst into tears.

This was probably about 45 minutes ago now, and I still can't stop crying. Its not even the sort of thing that I should be crying about, people have been much ruder to me in the past.

Yet the tears are still coming, my boss is looking scared and the women in the office are saying nice things in an attempt to make me feel better.

I think its going to be a long day. Bloody hormones.

As the date of my scan (next Monday, geez, where did the time go?) gets closer, I find myself worrying about the baby more and more. But they are completely irrational worries, and while that makes me cross with myself, it just makes me worry even more.

My fear at the moment, is that I have a girl, and that she is fine, but then grows up to have that small little problem with food that I have.

My eating problems have sometimes felt like hell, and I know I am lucky now to be very much over the bad parts of it, and I'm sure its not something that can be passed on, but I just sometimes feel like my baby will inherit my irrationality and with that, all the problems. I mean, I still can't eat infront of groups of people, I can still go days without eating, I can still binge and make myself sick and not think a thing to it. But it's only now, now that I am worrying about that happening to someone else, I can see the effect it must have had on people around me.

T has never seen the worst of it. By the time we met, I was still a faddy eater, and would still regularly not eat, but nothing like it was in the old days. I couldn't live with myself if my child thought that was the best way to see food. I know I hid a lot of it, but people around me did know what was going on, I just wouldn't let them close enough to help. Its that old problem I have of thinking I could deal with everything by myself. Of course I couldn't, and things fell apart around me, but at least I got the help I needed and am here now to tell the tale.

I don't even know if this makes sense. But I just needed to get it out I think. Sorry, I think there will probably more rambly slightly incoherent posts like this over the coming months.

Yes, I know I said I would try and blog more often, but of course, I failed. I shouldn't have expected anything less.

But anyway, moving swiftly on.

Squirmy worm is moving and I think, kicking. It's quite nice. People keep telling me I won't be saying that when its kicking me all through the night, but as I still have no bump, it's kind of a relief that I know there is something there and I'm not dreaming. Nearly everyone knows now as well, which is nice, as people actually seem excited for us. That is, everyone apart from the 'friend' who last week when we went out for dinner just came out and asked me if it was a mistake. Using those exact words. A mistake. I was cross. Seriously, who asks that?!

Still, it is a week away from the 20 week scan. Exciting. Time is flying at the moment. It's the end of week 6 semester wise, which seems crazy. This time in 6 weeks I'll be in the US of A. Whoo!

It's November, but its lovely outside. We went into town this morning (to pick up my new glasses, unexciting, but necessary) and I coudln't get over how warm and nice it is. Autumnal. What a good word that is. I'm having a walk by myself into the village in a bit. I spend all my time when on duty complaining I can't leave, so it seems daft that when I can I tend to spend all my time in the flat.

Things at the hall seem to be quiet. Its nice. I'm on duty tomorrow so fingers crossed they stay that way.